Wednesday, 9 February 2011

The alphabet: a saga

Right now as you read these very words, you are unaware of the stories behind the characters that form them. I shall tell you their epic story (and I don't mean epic as in 'LOL Dave set fire to his pubes, it was EPIC XD' I mean Epic as in, A game of Thrones, folklore of old, the old spice guy, THAT kind of epic)

My story begins, as do most others, at the begininging...

A - The Alpha

Arbiter of all things awesome, Alpha stood from amongst the crowd of petty beta bitches. With humble beginnings, being used via apples to teach dumb fucking kids how to read, Alpha worked his way up the chain to become top dog, and now occupies all manner of awesome words such as 'Annihilation' 'Atom-bomb' and 'Ass-tastic'. Merely giving something an 'A' grade is a symbol of the best quality, a fitting tribute to the king of the alphabet (also named after the Alpha).

B- The Beta

Beta is the little bitch of the clan. Calling someone a beta is quite an insult, but if you get called a beta, you probably ARE a beta, and so you'll probably let it slide, thus confirming your beta status. Beta's history is mostly unknown. However, legend has it that after a cheating spree committed by Beta's girlfriend, he forgave her because "every time it happened I was drunk''. When he then contracted chlamydia just before being dumped, Beta's fate was sealed, and he was cursed to be a Beta forever...

C - Charles

Overall, Charles lived an average live. He worked a normal job, got married, had two children, and even took up writing as a hobby.
    However, Charles had tourettes syndrome. Day to day, he could not stop himself to shout "COCK SUCKER''  or "CUNT FACE" or even "CANADIAN CLIT MUNCHER" whilst having dinner with his family. There are some who speculate that, since legends suggest he only showed symptoms specifically at dinner time with his family, it's possible Charles' tourettes were faked, and that he may have been the world's first recorded troll.


A.B,C is all I can do for now. I have the FLU god damn it, I need rest.....

I'll do more if you guys like this story. If not, then I respect your opinion (:D)


Thursday, 3 February 2011




(Real update coming soon, I am immensely busy, it just, well, I felt compelled to share this message with you.)

Wednesday, 26 January 2011

Woe is me

  I can not believe I'm posting whilst hungover AGAIN. Seriously, it's really difficult, not to mention your spelling rate plummets to the ground. Fuck you red squiggly lines, I've had enough of your shit.

Anyway, This post is me asking you guys for help. Basically, I'm at the last year of university, which means my life now comprises of studying in a room with a bed, or studying in a room with 15 other arseholes who won't stop breathing, or occasionally I'll study in a room with hundreds of computer machines, and hundreds of pricks occupying them to look at facebook or some shit (but fuck that place).
   All of this confinement means I never get to go out into the world, the place of my inspiration, and ultimately, the source of my powerful hatred. No inspiration means no topics to write about, which means writer's block.

So, I ask you, viewers at home, for inspiration. Give me ideas of what you'd like to see me write about. If it's good enough, it might even turn into a mini project like "102 things..." which would be great for me.


Thursday, 20 January 2011

Fuck Latino parties.

I know I know, my lastest post is alittle late. I do apologise, but I have three VERY good excuses;

1) I've had a metric shit ton of work to do.

2) I went to a Latino party and got so drunk that I bled.

3) Fuck you, I'll write when I'm sober enough I god dam feel like it.

But like I was saying , fuck Latino parties. I went to this special one on saturday night, and it was Terrible. It was crowded to fucking buggery, took half and hour just to get served a drink at the bar (which is pretty typical in all night clubs, so FUCK them too), and all of the Latino guys couldn't even recognise your existence properly unless you had a vagina. Seriously, on three separate occasions I went up to a group of Latino guys my friends were hanging with, was all, you know, "Hey what's up mate" or "Hows it going, bro?", and on all three occasions I got looks that you should only get when you run over a neighbours cat, and then reverse.

And then there was the dancing. Oh, my, fucking god, the dancing. It was like I walked into crowd of people preforming a celebration of my own hatred. A celebration so terrible, that it somewhat ironicly contributed to the hatred it was trying to celebrate. I saw a guy with a patched up leg and a cane in the corner, and thought "You lucky son of a bitch". It's easy to assume this guy didn't received the endless "HEY lets dance LOL" like I did that night.
   Man, how awesome would it be to be crippled? Not only would you NEVER be asked to dance again in your life, but you could actually go up (or wheel up) to people and say "Hey wanna dance?" just to fuck with them and see what they do.

But back to the party. So yeah, everything was horrible, I decided to start ordering doubles and triples, and then after waiting an ungodly time at the bar to get served again, I got a fucking nose bleed. A real gusher at that, FUCK. I was just about to get served as well. That was a shitty start to a long drunken night. Fuck Latino parties man, seriously.

Edit: The girls were really fit though.


 Here at Zasranec time we are committed to making our service more enjoyable to our customers. Thats why we would appreciate it if you could fill out the poll, so that we may better please you. Thank you!

CEO / MD  Zasranec Enterprises

Saturday, 15 January 2011

A quick advertisement from the sponsors of: Zasranec Time!!




Thursday, 13 January 2011

102 Things A Guy Should Know About Girls. EXTREME EXTENDED EDITION! Part 3


71. If we love you, and youre hurt on the basketball court, rolling on the floor in pain; we’re hurting more just watching you.

Only a fucking moron could get hurt playing basketball. (HURR I PUT DA BALL IN DA NET, OPPS I BROKED MY ARM SOMEHOWS) Then again, only a moron would think basketball is interesting enough to warrant playing it, so you know…..I don’t care.

72. We LOVE it when you get nervous around us. It's adorable! Don't think you have to be Mr. Cool Guy all the time.

I knew it. I thought it was strange that all the anxious and socially inept goons were getting laid left, right, and centre. Apparently you girls like that.

73. Don't play hard to get. We’ll get bored and move on.

That’s like saying the donkey with a carrot hanging in front of its face will get bored and stop trying to eat it (Zasranec’s top tip: It never stops)

74. If you don't call us, then we will spend hours thinking about why you never called, and we will waste a lot of time thinking about it, eventually coming to the conclusion that we don't like you anymore.

Girls, wasting a lot of time thinking about trivial shit that doesn’t matter? AM I IN BIZARRO WORLD?!?!

75. We lost interest quickly if you lead us on but never take action.

You mean you LOSE interest. And anyway, why can’t you take a little action if it bothers you that much? Opps I forgot, responsibility makes you come out in a rash or something.

76. We might seem to flirt a lot, but a girl always thinks about the one guy she really likes right before she falls asleep.

So do you girls like, get off on blatantly lying or something?

77. When a girl likes a guy, she subconsciously gives him a song that makes her think of him every time she hears it.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh man you can’t be serious. Even breasts aren’t worth this level of faggotry.

78. If guys do the same as girls do in #77, tell her what song reminds you of her.

This implies men have brains made out of molten-fuck like women apparently do.

79. Randomly compliment girls in conversations. If you're talking about sports, be like "Oh, by the way. , that shirt really made your eyes look green today " It totally throws us off, and we love it.

Yeah, I’ll say stuff like “That shirt really made your eyes look green today’’. Because what women love most is for men to sound like they recently had a lobotomy.

80. Ask us about how we're doing once in a while, and at least pretend to be interested.

You mean lie to your face to make you feel better? Way ahead of you.

81. If we're not talking to you, we secretly want you to talk to us first.

Oh I’m sorry, silly me, I hadn’t been practicing my psychic powers recently and completely missed that one!

82. Play with our hair without being like a gay hairstylist.

That’s like asking us to empty the sea with a small sieve, whilst simultaneously trying to legitimise a degree in art. Fuck you.

83. We get really happy when you show any sign of interest. Don't just do it and then never do it again. Bad bad bad…

My bad. I forgot women can’t remember anything for more than a week unless it regards fashion or gossip bullshit.

84. Keep up the conversation on IM and phones and in person! Don't be awkward. That’s bad.

If you were even remotely interesting we’d have something to talk about. But since you’re not, no dice.

85. We will always feel bad if we don't like you back. Not all girls are b!tches, no matter what you may think. We hate to reject you.

>Implying women have emotions aside from jealousy and greed

HAHAHA oh god, this is why we need a “REJECT REALITY’’ button.

86. ok, so some girls are b!tches and they like rejecting boys, but the people who wrote this group are not. better?


87. If we say "Let's just be friends", we really mean it. Don't keep trying to pursue us, and don't say ok and then ignore us. That's just mean and horrible.

Ok, guys who keep pursuing after you say "Let's just be friends" are dicks who can’t deal with life. But we are within rights to ignore you after. What do you expect? To stay friends with you, and then watch you, the girl we like, flaunt yourself about town with the guys you like? I’ve never been in this situation, but if I ever am, and the girl EXPECTS me to stay friends, my rage will consume this world.

88. It's adorable when a best guy friend who a girl has thought about liking confesses he likes her.

Dawwww yeah, so cute! Or like, when he then goes to Thailand to bang some cuter (and thinner) girls he met a club, bringing back gonorrhoea as a present. WAIT A MINUTE, THAT’S NOT ABORABLE…

89. If you’re single, find the one girl who’s always there on the sidelines at your football game, or at each of your concerts, all your baseball games. She loves you. Her excuse may be that she’s there for her brother, but she’s really there for you.

Either that or because she has gangbang fantasies. BUT I’M SURE SHES THERE FOR YOU <3

90. After you find that girl, smile at her once in a while, it’ll mean the world to her.

What am I, homosexual? I can’t smile. Will a scowl do?

91. Get to know her, you’ll make her year first of all, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll end up liking her.

You expect us to invest a year (on a girl we don’t even know no less) on the off chance that we might get Stockholm syndrome from being around her so long? The English language doesn’t have enough ways to say “I hope you choke’’.

92. Not all blondes are b!tches. Some are cool.

True. Some are also complete cretins.

93. Not all blondes are sluts. Some have morals.

True. I met a blond prostitute once who donates to charity. I met her at a charity event, if that’s what you’re thinking I met her at a brothel. (I'd rather been seen in a brothel than at a charity event)

94. In your mind, give every girl a chance. Each one deserves at least one.

Humans, in general, are selfish, vile, idiotic, back stabbing creatures, who are at most, only one body waxing and language course ahead from apes. And you expect me to give half of these gibbons the benefit of the doubt? I have no words for what I am feeling, so I’m just going to mash my face on the keyboardryx 6yg ygnrfx5

95. Girls fantasize too, its just not always about sex.

Then it’s not a fantasy, it’s a “shopping list’’ you dicks.

96. We girls give you guys code names so that you don’t know that we’re talking about you. :]

So do we, except we do it so blatantly you girls think it couldn’t possibly be you. (turns out “that dumb bitch over there’’ actually was you!)

97. If you’re jealous, it may suck for you, but we think it’s attractive if you really care that much.

I’ve heard this said to a guy before as an excuse for acting like a slut, and the guy bought it. Turns out guys can be complete idiots as well.

98. If a girl blushes when you talk to her, she either likes you or she's embarrassed by what you're saying.

Or she’s wearing blush. But hey what do I know, I’m SURE it’s because she likes you!

99. Girls don’t really write your name on a piece of paper a million times if they like you, that’s a myth…… sometimes

Who the hell tells that myth? You are all fucking insane.

100. If a girl really likes you, just seeing you will make her day.

I’ve heard rumours that such feelings come from strong emotions, but having not experienced it myself I deny their existence.

101. Even if you aren’t all that cute, and we like you, we think you’re hot. Don’t take advantage of that, take pride in that.

Take pride in what, that you think uggos are hot?

102. Every time you smile at us, it may mean only a little to you, but it means the world to us. Don't take the little things for granted.

Enough with the smiling. A smile is what happens when someone is happy (apparently). The reminder that you exist (cue: seeing you) is NOT enough to warrant a smile. You are not that important. The promise of a threesome with your sister on the otherhand...

 Well that's the end of one mini-project, I hope it was enjoyable.

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

Passive - aggressive AWESOME

Last night I cried from laughter.

Let me recap - This friend of mine got absolutely wrecked by mixing beer and port into a large container (I admittedly tried his unusual concoction - I was not pleased), and within an hour of finishing it, was looking for prey to stalk.

Target acquired: Asian, approximately 5 foot 3 inches, 21 years old.

Let me tell you guys something. You may think you know what "Comedy" is having watched Anchorman, or Arrested development or whatever, but the truth is you have no idea what it is, until you see a tiny Japanese girl EXPLODE into venomous fury, screaming and frothing at the mouth because she was called "Short stuff" and then "Little Chinese dragon" .

I swear I almost died from asphyxiation through laughter, and drowning in my own tears.

That same night I was called "Passive aggressive" because I saw my flatmate was at home, (Do you Americans use this word, or do you prefer "Roomie"?) so I decided to slam every door in the flat for an hour when I got home at 3am. To be fair, he started this war by being very messy and having VERY loud gay sex in his room all the time. Seriously, I've never seen gay porn before, but just hearing it is enough for me to know I will be straight my entire life.

I hope you all have a great week, and remember very little of it.