The alphabet: a saga

Right now as you read these very words, you are unaware of the stories behind the characters that form them. I shall tell you their epic story (and I don't mean epic as in 'LOL Dave set fire to his pubes, it was EPIC XD' I mean Epic as in, A game of Thrones, folklore of old, the old spice guy, THAT kind of epic)

My story begins, as do most others, at the begininging...

A - The Alpha

Arbiter of all things awesome, Alpha stood from amongst the crowd of petty beta bitches. With humble beginnings, being used via apples to teach dumb fucking kids how to read, Alpha worked his way up the chain to become top dog, and now occupies all manner of awesome words such as 'Annihilation' 'Atom-bomb' and 'Ass-tastic'. Merely giving something an 'A' grade is a symbol of the best quality, a fitting tribute to the king of the alphabet (also named after the Alpha).

B- The Beta

Beta is the little bitch of the clan. Calling someone a beta is quite an insult, but if you get called a beta, you probably ARE a beta, and so you'll probably let it slide, thus confirming your beta status. Beta's history is mostly unknown. However, legend has it that after a cheating spree committed by Beta's girlfriend, he forgave her because "every time it happened I was drunk''. When he then contracted chlamydia just before being dumped, Beta's fate was sealed, and he was cursed to be a Beta forever...

C - Charles

Overall, Charles lived an average live. He worked a normal job, got married, had two children, and even took up writing as a hobby.
    However, Charles had tourettes syndrome. Day to day, he could not stop himself to shout "COCK SUCKER''  or "CUNT FACE" or even "CANADIAN CLIT MUNCHER" whilst having dinner with his family. There are some who speculate that, since legends suggest he only showed symptoms specifically at dinner time with his family, it's possible Charles' tourettes were faked, and that he may have been the world's first recorded troll.

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A.B,C is all I can do for now. I have the FLU god damn it, I need rest.....

I'll do more if you guys like this story. If not, then I respect your opinion (:D)

Zasranec

WAHHHHHHHHHHHH

MMMMMMMMMMMMM

DELICIOUS WHITESTRIPES-FAN TEARS

THEY SHALL SUSTAIN ME FOR MANY MOONS TO COME

 

(Real update coming soon, I am immensely busy, it just, well, I felt compelled to share this message with you.)

Woe is me

  I can not believe I'm posting whilst hungover AGAIN. Seriously, it's really difficult, not to mention your spelling rate plummets to the ground. Fuck you red squiggly lines, I've had enough of your shit.

Anyway, This post is me asking you guys for help. Basically, I'm at the last year of university, which means my life now comprises of studying in a room with a bed, or studying in a room with 15 other arseholes who won't stop breathing, or occasionally I'll study in a room with hundreds of computer machines, and hundreds of pricks occupying them to look at facebook or some shit (but fuck that place).
   All of this confinement means I never get to go out into the world, the place of my inspiration, and ultimately, the source of my powerful hatred. No inspiration means no topics to write about, which means writer's block.

So, I ask you, viewers at home, for inspiration. Give me ideas of what you'd like to see me write about. If it's good enough, it might even turn into a mini project like "102 things..." which would be great for me.

Thanks,
Zasranec

Fuck Latino parties.

I know I know, my lastest post is alittle late. I do apologise, but I have three VERY good excuses;

1) I've had a metric shit ton of work to do.

2) I went to a Latino party and got so drunk that I bled.

3) Fuck you, I'll write when I'm sober enough I god dam feel like it.


But like I was saying , fuck Latino parties. I went to this special one on saturday night, and it was Terrible. It was crowded to fucking buggery, took half and hour just to get served a drink at the bar (which is pretty typical in all night clubs, so FUCK them too), and all of the Latino guys couldn't even recognise your existence properly unless you had a vagina. Seriously, on three separate occasions I went up to a group of Latino guys my friends were hanging with, was all, you know, "Hey what's up mate" or "Hows it going, bro?", and on all three occasions I got looks that you should only get when you run over a neighbours cat, and then reverse.

And then there was the dancing. Oh, my, fucking god, the dancing. It was like I walked into crowd of people preforming a celebration of my own hatred. A celebration so terrible, that it somewhat ironicly contributed to the hatred it was trying to celebrate. I saw a guy with a patched up leg and a cane in the corner, and thought "You lucky son of a bitch". It's easy to assume this guy didn't received the endless "HEY lets dance LOL" like I did that night.
   Man, how awesome would it be to be crippled? Not only would you NEVER be asked to dance again in your life, but you could actually go up (or wheel up) to people and say "Hey wanna dance?" just to fuck with them and see what they do.

But back to the party. So yeah, everything was horrible, I decided to start ordering doubles and triples, and then after waiting an ungodly time at the bar to get served again, I got a fucking nose bleed. A real gusher at that, FUCK. I was just about to get served as well. That was a shitty start to a long drunken night. Fuck Latino parties man, seriously.

Edit: The girls were really fit though.

___________________________________________________________________________


 Here at Zasranec time we are committed to making our service more enjoyable to our customers. Thats why we would appreciate it if you could fill out the poll, so that we may better please you. Thank you!

Zasranec
CEO / MD  Zasranec Enterprises

A quick advertisement from the sponsors of: Zasranec Time!!

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BUY SHIN RAMEN TODAY

102 Things A Guy Should Know About Girls. EXTREME EXTENDED EDITION! Part 3

OH MY GOD , IT’S LIKE, SO TOTTALY THE FINAL PART

71. If we love you, and youre hurt on the basketball court, rolling on the floor in pain; we’re hurting more just watching you.

Only a fucking moron could get hurt playing basketball. (HURR I PUT DA BALL IN DA NET, OPPS I BROKED MY ARM SOMEHOWS) Then again, only a moron would think basketball is interesting enough to warrant playing it, so you know…..I don’t care.

72. We LOVE it when you get nervous around us. It's adorable! Don't think you have to be Mr. Cool Guy all the time.

I knew it. I thought it was strange that all the anxious and socially inept goons were getting laid left, right, and centre. Apparently you girls like that.

73. Don't play hard to get. We’ll get bored and move on.

That’s like saying the donkey with a carrot hanging in front of its face will get bored and stop trying to eat it (Zasranec’s top tip: It never stops)

74. If you don't call us, then we will spend hours thinking about why you never called, and we will waste a lot of time thinking about it, eventually coming to the conclusion that we don't like you anymore.

Girls, wasting a lot of time thinking about trivial shit that doesn’t matter? AM I IN BIZARRO WORLD?!?!

75. We lost interest quickly if you lead us on but never take action.

You mean you LOSE interest. And anyway, why can’t you take a little action if it bothers you that much? Opps I forgot, responsibility makes you come out in a rash or something.


76. We might seem to flirt a lot, but a girl always thinks about the one guy she really likes right before she falls asleep.

So do you girls like, get off on blatantly lying or something?

77. When a girl likes a guy, she subconsciously gives him a song that makes her think of him every time she hears it.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh man you can’t be serious. Even breasts aren’t worth this level of faggotry.

78. If guys do the same as girls do in #77, tell her what song reminds you of her.

This implies men have brains made out of molten-fuck like women apparently do.

79. Randomly compliment girls in conversations. If you're talking about sports, be like "Oh, by the way. , that shirt really made your eyes look green today " It totally throws us off, and we love it.

Yeah, I’ll say stuff like “That shirt really made your eyes look green today’’. Because what women love most is for men to sound like they recently had a lobotomy.

80. Ask us about how we're doing once in a while, and at least pretend to be interested.

You mean lie to your face to make you feel better? Way ahead of you.

81. If we're not talking to you, we secretly want you to talk to us first.

Oh I’m sorry, silly me, I hadn’t been practicing my psychic powers recently and completely missed that one!

82. Play with our hair without being like a gay hairstylist.

That’s like asking us to empty the sea with a small sieve, whilst simultaneously trying to legitimise a degree in art. Fuck you.

83. We get really happy when you show any sign of interest. Don't just do it and then never do it again. Bad bad bad…

My bad. I forgot women can’t remember anything for more than a week unless it regards fashion or gossip bullshit.

84. Keep up the conversation on IM and phones and in person! Don't be awkward. That’s bad.

If you were even remotely interesting we’d have something to talk about. But since you’re not, no dice.

85. We will always feel bad if we don't like you back. Not all girls are b!tches, no matter what you may think. We hate to reject you.

>Implying women have emotions aside from jealousy and greed

HAHAHA oh god, this is why we need a “REJECT REALITY’’ button.

86. ok, so some girls are b!tches and they like rejecting boys, but the people who wrote this group are not. better?

No.

87. If we say "Let's just be friends", we really mean it. Don't keep trying to pursue us, and don't say ok and then ignore us. That's just mean and horrible.

Ok, guys who keep pursuing after you say "Let's just be friends" are dicks who can’t deal with life. But we are within rights to ignore you after. What do you expect? To stay friends with you, and then watch you, the girl we like, flaunt yourself about town with the guys you like? I’ve never been in this situation, but if I ever am, and the girl EXPECTS me to stay friends, my rage will consume this world.

88. It's adorable when a best guy friend who a girl has thought about liking confesses he likes her.

Dawwww yeah, so cute! Or like, when he then goes to Thailand to bang some cuter (and thinner) girls he met a club, bringing back gonorrhoea as a present. WAIT A MINUTE, THAT’S NOT ABORABLE…

89. If you’re single, find the one girl who’s always there on the sidelines at your football game, or at each of your concerts, all your baseball games. She loves you. Her excuse may be that she’s there for her brother, but she’s really there for you.

Either that or because she has gangbang fantasies. BUT I’M SURE SHES THERE FOR YOU <3

90. After you find that girl, smile at her once in a while, it’ll mean the world to her.

What am I, homosexual? I can’t smile. Will a scowl do?

91. Get to know her, you’ll make her year first of all, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll end up liking her.

You expect us to invest a year (on a girl we don’t even know no less) on the off chance that we might get Stockholm syndrome from being around her so long? The English language doesn’t have enough ways to say “I hope you choke’’.

92. Not all blondes are b!tches. Some are cool.

True. Some are also complete cretins.

93. Not all blondes are sluts. Some have morals.

True. I met a blond prostitute once who donates to charity. I met her at a charity event, if that’s what you’re thinking I met her at a brothel. (I'd rather been seen in a brothel than at a charity event)

94. In your mind, give every girl a chance. Each one deserves at least one.

Humans, in general, are selfish, vile, idiotic, back stabbing creatures, who are at most, only one body waxing and language course ahead from apes. And you expect me to give half of these gibbons the benefit of the doubt? I have no words for what I am feeling, so I’m just going to mash my face on the keyboardryx 6yg ygnrfx5

95. Girls fantasize too, its just not always about sex.

Then it’s not a fantasy, it’s a “shopping list’’ you dicks.

96. We girls give you guys code names so that you don’t know that we’re talking about you. :]

So do we, except we do it so blatantly you girls think it couldn’t possibly be you. (turns out “that dumb bitch over there’’ actually was you!)

97. If you’re jealous, it may suck for you, but we think it’s attractive if you really care that much.

I’ve heard this said to a guy before as an excuse for acting like a slut, and the guy bought it. Turns out guys can be complete idiots as well.

98. If a girl blushes when you talk to her, she either likes you or she's embarrassed by what you're saying.

Or she’s wearing blush. But hey what do I know, I’m SURE it’s because she likes you!

99. Girls don’t really write your name on a piece of paper a million times if they like you, that’s a myth…… sometimes

Who the hell tells that myth? You are all fucking insane.

100. If a girl really likes you, just seeing you will make her day.

I’ve heard rumours that such feelings come from strong emotions, but having not experienced it myself I deny their existence.

101. Even if you aren’t all that cute, and we like you, we think you’re hot. Don’t take advantage of that, take pride in that.

Take pride in what, that you think uggos are hot?

102. Every time you smile at us, it may mean only a little to you, but it means the world to us. Don't take the little things for granted.

Enough with the smiling. A smile is what happens when someone is happy (apparently). The reminder that you exist (cue: seeing you) is NOT enough to warrant a smile. You are not that important. The promise of a threesome with your sister on the otherhand...


 Well that's the end of one mini-project, I hope it was enjoyable.

Passive - aggressive AWESOME

Last night I cried from laughter.

Let me recap - This friend of mine got absolutely wrecked by mixing beer and port into a large container (I admittedly tried his unusual concoction - I was not pleased), and within an hour of finishing it, was looking for prey to stalk.

Target acquired: Asian, approximately 5 foot 3 inches, 21 years old.

Let me tell you guys something. You may think you know what "Comedy" is having watched Anchorman, or Arrested development or whatever, but the truth is you have no idea what it is, until you see a tiny Japanese girl EXPLODE into venomous fury, screaming and frothing at the mouth because she was called "Short stuff" and then "Little Chinese dragon" .

I swear I almost died from asphyxiation through laughter, and drowning in my own tears.

That same night I was called "Passive aggressive" because I saw my flatmate was at home, (Do you Americans use this word, or do you prefer "Roomie"?) so I decided to slam every door in the flat for an hour when I got home at 3am. To be fair, he started this war by being very messy and having VERY loud gay sex in his room all the time. Seriously, I've never seen gay porn before, but just hearing it is enough for me to know I will be straight my entire life.


I hope you all have a great week, and remember very little of it.

102 Things A Guy Should Know About Girls. EXTREME EXTENDED EDITION! Part 2

Here's part two of my masterpiece. Oh and by the way, yesterday I had people arguing over a picture of a duck, by calling it a black swan. It amused me greatly!

Part two:

31. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).What has this got to do with anything? Besides, I look goddamn sexy in ANYTHING I wear, including nothing (especially wearing nothing)

32. We love it when you hug us from behind and whisper in our ear.

And we love oral sex. Quid pro quo Clarice.

33. "Fine" is NEVER an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.

Don’t like it? How’s “like a dead cat dragged through a hedge’’ grab you then? Badly? what if I informed you the cat died from complications arousing from morbid obesity?

34. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you. Don’t obsess over that.

And when I fantasize, its almost exclusively about busty Asian pornstars you, so at least that matter is settled.

35. I expect you to call me. If you don’t, you go down.

I go down? You don’t mean, DOWN TOWN CHARLIE BROWN?!?!?

36. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be. Don’t you dare take advantage of that.

Coming from the gender who have the saying “Hell have no fury like a woman scorned’’ attributed to them.

37. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.

What.

38. You look hot in hooded clothing items. Always.

What, because you can’t see what’s underneath? THAT’S RIGHT LAUGH IT UP BITCH , THAT DOOR SWINGS BOTH WAYS

39. You should never tell a girl what to do. Ever.

Yeah, god forbid you learn any disciple. You just carry on your free vapid lives, with no meaning other than to find out the latest celebrity news and fashion trends. I'll just be over here trying to continue whats left of civilization.

40. Any decent man will ask a girl out to her face. I mean; if you aren’t man enough to ask us out to our face, who says youre gonna be man enough to our boyfriend at all.

It’s called modesty and/or shyness you prick. But hey, you go out with the tough guy who asked you out to your face in front of everyone, and then high fived all his bros when you put out.

41. Girls are very impressed when you ask them for advice. Unless its about another girl.

Why you be unimpressed by that? Contrary to popular belief, not every man in the world fancies you.

42. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.

You’re also unimpressed by men who tell you what to do, so I guess the sesible thing to do is to part ways. We’ll continue our manly inventions such as Engineering, Philosophy and Video games, and you continue your womanly inventions (citation needed)

43. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.

Blue, so blue shirt. Hey cool, some actual advice! ….but wait, what if I’m wearing jeans, Blue +blue? That can’t be right… Oh my god, FASHION DISASTER!!

44. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.

> You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving

You mean generally being a man and awesome? Yeah I know

>eating a peach

oh well, if you’re into that kind of thing I guess….

>Holding a baby

Get out.

45. Girls need to hear how you feel about them. Often. Tell her now.

Is “Me-want-boobie-touch’’ a feeling?

46. A girl wants to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this and tell her.

I’m sorry but this is impossible. The best thing to ever happen to be has already happened, and its called the Playstation.

47. If she’s not feeling loved, she will start looking....

Haha, you almost convinced me that women aren’t already constantly “window shopping’’. Almost had me..

48. We like it when you tell us what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself. It’s cute.

This is a downright lie. You say you want to hear what I’m thinking, but when I say “I’m wondering, what’s the usual time to give after you dump a girl, that you’re allowed to do her sister?’’ you get furious!!

49. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...

Pornography is cheating now?

50. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.

Don’t worry darling, I can do both!

51. We can fall in love with you without really knowing you, if you are an @ss, we will find out, and we will get over it. Fast. Don't ruin it.

So what you’re saying is you’re gullible, and have the emotional stability of a child. Cool thanks for the heads up

52. You like her, make a move. Don’t just sit there, you will fail, and you won’t get her.

Incorrect. If I don’t try, then I don’t fail. Man logic: FLAWLESS VICTORY!

53. Guys who play sports are hot. They build muscle, and no matter what we will be at all of your games.

Perfect. You’re just in time for competitive online table tennis. Bring a change of underwear honey, you’re about to enter the horn zone.

54. When you compliment us, we aren't sure how to accept the compliment without leading you on or reject the compliment without hurting you. So just bear with us here.

That cool. To be honest when I said “God damn them some big old titties’’ It was more for me than for you.

55. WE HATE BEING LED ON! If you think it's bad being led on by a girl, try being led on by a guy.

I can’t find that out because that would mean I am gay (which incidentally, after reading this list sounds kind of nice)

56. We like it when guys are willing to have an actual relationship, not just a one-night stand. Most girls don't like pimps or players, just guys who like ONE girl only.

Holy shit, I have to go tell all those women I had one night stands with right away! They are like, SOOOO in denial.

57. But don't be obssessive. Major turn-off.

Obsession leads to greatness. Fuck you.

58. Call sometimes, just to say hi, not for a certain reason. When we see your number on caller ID, our heart always skips a beat. Try calling just to say good night, or good morning, its soo adorable!

What am I, a hotel fucking receptionist? Us men have shit to do, you want to waste your life talking about meaningless shit? That’s what your girlfriends are for.

59. BE HONEST!

I’m human, so no.

60. Don't ONLY tell us what we want to hear. We HATE that.

Oh you, there you go, LYING again. You’re getting pretty good at that.

61. At sleepovers, if you wonder what we talk about, quit worrying. It really is only you.

Sleepovers? I didn’t realise I was dating a 15 year old school girl.

62. If you catch us staring, it is most likely because we're spacing out, not because we really stare at you. Unless we smile when you notice. Then you either look really hot, or we like you.

When I catch you staring the first thing I think is “jammed cog’’ so I wouldn’t sweat it.

63. We like it when you hold us when we're crying. It's good to feel loved and safe.

BUT HOW COME WHEN I WANT THAT, YOU JUST CALL ME A LITTLE BITCH?!? ;_:

64. Don't go to our friends to talk about us. Come straight to us.

We don’t go to your friends either. We’re wise enough to realise your friend’s lies would be worse than yours.

65. Don't tell us you love us unless you are positive you mean it. If we don't say it back, it's just that we really want to mean it when we say it. Don't say it right away, then it shows lack of commitment.

Well if I can’t say it unless I mean it, how else will I bone you?

66. We like our hands to be held and our waists to be touched.

And boobies to be fondled, yeah yeah we know the drill.

67. We like you to kiss our hand and cheeks and forehead (esp. forehead!!), not just shove your tongue down our throats. We do like to breathe.

You’re gonna hate “Zasranec time'' then.

68. We like it when you're tender, but don't lose your masculinity.

Unpossible, unstoppable force, immovable object etc.

69. Do chivalrous things when we least expect it (ex. holding doors for us).

Is earning more money chivalry?

70. As surprising as it may be, while guys might actually look at personality, the first thing girls look at tends to be looks. We're not going to see you and think, 'I wonder what his personality is like!' Terrible, but true.

An actual fact? LOL HOPE YOU LIKE ARMAGEDDON


Final part coming soon

Alittle too much news. (OLDOLDOLDOLDOLDOLD)

I wrote this exactly a year ago. Strange coincidence I should feel too lazy to write a new piece, and just copy and paste some old shit on its first birthday.

 Alittle too much news.

I don’t know why I did it. It was an accident I guess, party because I couldn’t sleep, and partly because I wanted to catch up (I was out of commission for three days from nearly dying from alcohol poisoning – no seriously). I just watched a whole two hours of rolling sky news.

The first story wasn’t so bad. It’s about those new full body scanners they plan to install. It basically produces a naked image of you, with some guy in the next room jacking o- looking for dangerous items. I mean is not a bad story because it’s fairly important news. It is however bad news to hear, for three reasons.

1) It’s a major invasion of privacy.
2) One step closer to 1984 etc
3) My balls are so huge they could be considered a dangerous weapon, which will be downright inconvenient.

The Labour and Conservative battle of wits has apparently started to heat up now.

David Cameron – “CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE condescending upper class twattery CHANGE CHANGE’’

Gordon Brown: UNINTELLIGIBLE SCOTISH, INSUFFIENT DATA, USUAL BOLLOCKS 93% PROBABILITY.

Its like Aliens versus Predator - Whoever wins, we lose. Except infinitely more boring. And more ugly.

Sky news apparently now had a cycling team, as if anyone could give a shit about a sky team or cycling in general.

Apparently no one knows about how cold it is. I certainly didn’t know it was cold, despite the fact its cold all over Britain, and has been cold every year around this time since FUCKING FOREVER.

Then when the story about the pregnant women in Moscow attending art museums (in order to make their babies smarter, I’m not fucking kidding) came on, I was thought this had to be the usual “trophy of stupidity’’ that news broadcasters like to award themselves on a daily basis.

However the next story to come on was the one to make me turn off the TV and throw the remote at the wall in rage.(it's now broken, fuck)

It was a heart warming story about some guy who is doing badly because of the recession. Apparently he lost his job and his marriage broke down because of it. I was then expecting to hear something like “because of these stressful circumstances, Joe nobody PULLED OUT TWO DESERT EAGLES AND SHOTTED A TON OF GUYS, HOLY SHIT!’’ or even “and now he is not allowed to see his kids, and so has jumped off a building dressed as batman’’

However, I didn’t hear anything else. That was the whole story. Some guy in Cornwall is sad because of the recession.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

That story was apparently worth 10 minutes of air time, whilst the latest bomb to go off gets pushed to the scrolling text.


Dear sky news,

An ice pick lobotomy for all of your writers would be letting you off lightly.

Hugs and kisses,

Zasranec

It's ZASRANEC time!!

My time come at last! All day everyday, 24 hours a week! You can enjoy Zasranec time! (But not special zasranec time, that for ladies only!!)

I don't know why but I thought my opening piece should look like it was written by a typical Russian. Anyway, I wrote this some time ago, after I nearly threw my girlfriend down the stairs, just for being of the same gender as the primate that wrote this. Its broken into 3 parts, as there was no way in hell I had the mental fortitude to deal with it all at once.

Enjoy.

102 Things A Guy Should Know About Girls. EXTREME EXTENDED EDITION!    

                                                                                                                                   This list is essential for all men, so to make sure no one misses it, I’m posting it here for all to see. And as an added bonus, there are additional notes from yours truly! Enjoy.
   
1. Do not cheat on a girl. We girls talk, we WILL know, and we WILL find out, and we WILL dump you!

Because girls have often been heard to say “I so totally did your boyfriend last night. But it’s ok because we are friends, and I knew you’d wanna hear that from me, your friend.’’

2. Be aware of all your girlfriends’ guy friends, brothers, fathers, or anything. They are protective. Every single male friend we have will kick your ass if you end up hurting her.

This is such an overestimation of man’s empathy that it’s shocking. Your life, your problems.

3. Never ever miss an opportunity to tell her that she’s beautiful. We girls love that.

Holy shit, if only I’d known sooner! Let me just quit my job and give up all my hobbies so I have more time to tell you how beautiful you are. (Just kidding, I don’t have a job, which incidentally is more productive than telling women how beautiful they are.)

4. If she slapped you hard, you probably deserved it.

I’m a guy, so I probably deserve the socially acceptable domestic violence.

5. Do not be afraid of holding her. If she’s going out with you in the first place, it’s obvious that she likes you and wants to be in your arms.

We aren’t afraid, trust me. All we are concerned with is when it’s acceptable for “holding’’ to turn into “ass grab’’

6. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend -- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts or hoodie’s, and a really pretty piece of jewelry.

Stuffed animal – Aren’t you meant to be an adult by now?
Hoodie – Like it’d fit you.
Really pretty piece of jewelry – Sure, just get me a PS3 and I’ll get right on it.

7. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely. We think that’s really cute and sweet.

So do we, but do you ever call to make sure I’M ok? What if I’ve been left for dead in some alley somewhere? DON’T YOU CARE???

8. If a guy is bothering your girlfriend, it is your right to beat the sh!t out of him.

Women – Catalyst for violence since 200,000 B.C.

9. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer. It’ll make her feel secure that you love her more than the other girl.

Love you MORE than the other girl? Bitch, I doubt we even love you, let alone the other girl.

10. Never ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back.

Is raising my clawed hand to my mouth and sticking my tongue in my cheek a gesture? How about a head lock into piledriver combo? Because if so then that’s too bad.

11. Go along with her to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went with her.

Well obviously she doesn’t care if you enjoy it or not, otherwise she wouldn’t have asked you to go.

12. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend. Or else.

Or else what? You dump us? If we didn’t introduce you as the girlfriend in the first place , then its obvious we don’t give a shit. Bluff called.

SHE CAN’T READ MY POKER FACE, P-P-P-POKER FACE, P-P-P-POKER FACE,

13. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle. Let her win once in a while.

No. This is why men earn more money, because we are WINNERS.

14. Memorize your girlfriend’s birthday. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life. Not gonna lie.

When you start going out with a girl, the first thing you do is buy a generic birthday present and card, and hide it. Then when her birthday comes along , and she gets pissed that you forgot it, you simply say ‘’Haha just kidding, of course I wouldn’t forget your birthday! I’ve got your present hidden in my cupboard silly!’’

15. Don't drench yourself in the cologne, but smell good.

You’ve got me here. Women ALWAYS do that.

16. You don’t have to spend a million dollars on the Birthday/Christmas/Valentine gift. It doesn't have to be expensive, or cost anything but it has to be meaningful.

Just babelfished “meaningful’’ on their Female English to British English dictionary.

Meaningful: ( adjective). 1. Having substantial value.
2. Having come from a significant portion of a well earned wage slip {colloquialism}

Synonyms: Dear , Expensive

17. Don’t ever lie to us; we always find out.

Don’t do bad things, not because they are immoral, but because they have consequences? Oh how I love female ethics.

18. Don’t say you understand when you don’t. That’s bad.

But is it bad intrinsically, or because it has consequences? Just kidding, we already know the answer. Anyway, I thought you always found this stuff out?

19. Remember: Girls are pretty, but yours is the Prettiest!

If that’s true, then why do my eyes always wonder to the huge booty two metres behind her?

20. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; but doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.

To do something sweet: ( verb). Buying something of substantial value as a gift.

Synonyms: To bribe, To grease one's palms

21. Size does matter, but only to hoes; not girls that want relationships.

So girl that doesn’t want a relationship = hoe? Female ethics again, in force.

22. No matter what you say, your ex-girlfriend is a hoe. Don’t bother trying to convince us otherwise, that is a bad idea

WAHHHHHH I’VE GOT JEALOUSY ISSUES. Why not shout it louder douchebags?

23. It’s good to be sensitive, to a point.

Finally, something I can agree on. It IS good to be sensitive to a point. It’s good to be sensitive to MY point.

24. If you did something wrong, apologize. Even if you didn’t, do it anyway.

Seriously? You wish to emasculate men into walking doormats even further? As if modern men weren’t already one more waxing, or long v-neck shirt away from turning into full blown giant disposable tampons.

25. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)

>You did something bad
>I seem cool with it

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I didn’t know this was meant to be satire!

26. We are self-conscious by nature; we can’t help it. Let it be.

Humans in general are self-conscious, men just bitch about it less.

27. We don’t shave our legs every day so just get over it.

I personally don’t care about it, but I guess some men will be dicks about it, so you have a point…

28. Shave your face, no matter how cool you think your goatee or beard or moustache looks, we probably hate it. We like you clean shaven.

DO-HO-HO, CAN ANYONE SAY ‘DOUBLE STANDARD’???

29. Show off a little, we think it’s cute.

We’re men, we already show off. If your man doesn’t show off, then I have bad news. You are dating a vagina.

30. You are our boyfriend, our man, our protector, whether you know it or not, you are; act like it.

TERMS AND CONDITIONS PLEASE, I DIDN’T SIGN SHIT.