Friday, 7 January 2011

Alittle too much news. (OLDOLDOLDOLDOLDOLD)

I wrote this exactly a year ago. Strange coincidence I should feel too lazy to write a new piece, and just copy and paste some old shit on its first birthday.

 Alittle too much news.

I don’t know why I did it. It was an accident I guess, party because I couldn’t sleep, and partly because I wanted to catch up (I was out of commission for three days from nearly dying from alcohol poisoning – no seriously). I just watched a whole two hours of rolling sky news.

The first story wasn’t so bad. It’s about those new full body scanners they plan to install. It basically produces a naked image of you, with some guy in the next room jacking o- looking for dangerous items. I mean is not a bad story because it’s fairly important news. It is however bad news to hear, for three reasons.

1) It’s a major invasion of privacy.
2) One step closer to 1984 etc
3) My balls are so huge they could be considered a dangerous weapon, which will be downright inconvenient.

The Labour and Conservative battle of wits has apparently started to heat up now.

David Cameron – “CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE condescending upper class twattery CHANGE CHANGE’’


Its like Aliens versus Predator - Whoever wins, we lose. Except infinitely more boring. And more ugly.

Sky news apparently now had a cycling team, as if anyone could give a shit about a sky team or cycling in general.

Apparently no one knows about how cold it is. I certainly didn’t know it was cold, despite the fact its cold all over Britain, and has been cold every year around this time since FUCKING FOREVER.

Then when the story about the pregnant women in Moscow attending art museums (in order to make their babies smarter, I’m not fucking kidding) came on, I was thought this had to be the usual “trophy of stupidity’’ that news broadcasters like to award themselves on a daily basis.

However the next story to come on was the one to make me turn off the TV and throw the remote at the wall in rage.(it's now broken, fuck)

It was a heart warming story about some guy who is doing badly because of the recession. Apparently he lost his job and his marriage broke down because of it. I was then expecting to hear something like “because of these stressful circumstances, Joe nobody PULLED OUT TWO DESERT EAGLES AND SHOTTED A TON OF GUYS, HOLY SHIT!’’ or even “and now he is not allowed to see his kids, and so has jumped off a building dressed as batman’’

However, I didn’t hear anything else. That was the whole story. Some guy in Cornwall is sad because of the recession.


That story was apparently worth 10 minutes of air time, whilst the latest bomb to go off gets pushed to the scrolling text.

Dear sky news,

An ice pick lobotomy for all of your writers would be letting you off lightly.

Hugs and kisses,



  1. People be sad sometimes, ways of life man, not everyone manly like man

  2. Sure, I can accept that. But why is it on the news? No one actually cares about it, so why show it to everyone?

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