It's ZASRANEC time!!

My time come at last! All day everyday, 24 hours a week! You can enjoy Zasranec time! (But not special zasranec time, that for ladies only!!)

I don't know why but I thought my opening piece should look like it was written by a typical Russian. Anyway, I wrote this some time ago, after I nearly threw my girlfriend down the stairs, just for being of the same gender as the primate that wrote this. Its broken into 3 parts, as there was no way in hell I had the mental fortitude to deal with it all at once.

Enjoy.

102 Things A Guy Should Know About Girls. EXTREME EXTENDED EDITION!    

                                                                                                                                   This list is essential for all men, so to make sure no one misses it, I’m posting it here for all to see. And as an added bonus, there are additional notes from yours truly! Enjoy.
   
1. Do not cheat on a girl. We girls talk, we WILL know, and we WILL find out, and we WILL dump you!

Because girls have often been heard to say “I so totally did your boyfriend last night. But it’s ok because we are friends, and I knew you’d wanna hear that from me, your friend.’’

2. Be aware of all your girlfriends’ guy friends, brothers, fathers, or anything. They are protective. Every single male friend we have will kick your ass if you end up hurting her.

This is such an overestimation of man’s empathy that it’s shocking. Your life, your problems.

3. Never ever miss an opportunity to tell her that she’s beautiful. We girls love that.

Holy shit, if only I’d known sooner! Let me just quit my job and give up all my hobbies so I have more time to tell you how beautiful you are. (Just kidding, I don’t have a job, which incidentally is more productive than telling women how beautiful they are.)

4. If she slapped you hard, you probably deserved it.

I’m a guy, so I probably deserve the socially acceptable domestic violence.

5. Do not be afraid of holding her. If she’s going out with you in the first place, it’s obvious that she likes you and wants to be in your arms.

We aren’t afraid, trust me. All we are concerned with is when it’s acceptable for “holding’’ to turn into “ass grab’’

6. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend -- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts or hoodie’s, and a really pretty piece of jewelry.

Stuffed animal – Aren’t you meant to be an adult by now?
Hoodie – Like it’d fit you.
Really pretty piece of jewelry – Sure, just get me a PS3 and I’ll get right on it.

7. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely. We think that’s really cute and sweet.

So do we, but do you ever call to make sure I’M ok? What if I’ve been left for dead in some alley somewhere? DON’T YOU CARE???

8. If a guy is bothering your girlfriend, it is your right to beat the sh!t out of him.

Women – Catalyst for violence since 200,000 B.C.

9. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer. It’ll make her feel secure that you love her more than the other girl.

Love you MORE than the other girl? Bitch, I doubt we even love you, let alone the other girl.

10. Never ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back.

Is raising my clawed hand to my mouth and sticking my tongue in my cheek a gesture? How about a head lock into piledriver combo? Because if so then that’s too bad.

11. Go along with her to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went with her.

Well obviously she doesn’t care if you enjoy it or not, otherwise she wouldn’t have asked you to go.

12. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend. Or else.

Or else what? You dump us? If we didn’t introduce you as the girlfriend in the first place , then its obvious we don’t give a shit. Bluff called.

SHE CAN’T READ MY POKER FACE, P-P-P-POKER FACE, P-P-P-POKER FACE,

13. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle. Let her win once in a while.

No. This is why men earn more money, because we are WINNERS.

14. Memorize your girlfriend’s birthday. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life. Not gonna lie.

When you start going out with a girl, the first thing you do is buy a generic birthday present and card, and hide it. Then when her birthday comes along , and she gets pissed that you forgot it, you simply say ‘’Haha just kidding, of course I wouldn’t forget your birthday! I’ve got your present hidden in my cupboard silly!’’

15. Don't drench yourself in the cologne, but smell good.

You’ve got me here. Women ALWAYS do that.

16. You don’t have to spend a million dollars on the Birthday/Christmas/Valentine gift. It doesn't have to be expensive, or cost anything but it has to be meaningful.

Just babelfished “meaningful’’ on their Female English to British English dictionary.

Meaningful: ( adjective). 1. Having substantial value.
2. Having come from a significant portion of a well earned wage slip {colloquialism}

Synonyms: Dear , Expensive

17. Don’t ever lie to us; we always find out.

Don’t do bad things, not because they are immoral, but because they have consequences? Oh how I love female ethics.

18. Don’t say you understand when you don’t. That’s bad.

But is it bad intrinsically, or because it has consequences? Just kidding, we already know the answer. Anyway, I thought you always found this stuff out?

19. Remember: Girls are pretty, but yours is the Prettiest!

If that’s true, then why do my eyes always wonder to the huge booty two metres behind her?

20. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; but doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.

To do something sweet: ( verb). Buying something of substantial value as a gift.

Synonyms: To bribe, To grease one's palms

21. Size does matter, but only to hoes; not girls that want relationships.

So girl that doesn’t want a relationship = hoe? Female ethics again, in force.

22. No matter what you say, your ex-girlfriend is a hoe. Don’t bother trying to convince us otherwise, that is a bad idea

WAHHHHHH I’VE GOT JEALOUSY ISSUES. Why not shout it louder douchebags?

23. It’s good to be sensitive, to a point.

Finally, something I can agree on. It IS good to be sensitive to a point. It’s good to be sensitive to MY point.

24. If you did something wrong, apologize. Even if you didn’t, do it anyway.

Seriously? You wish to emasculate men into walking doormats even further? As if modern men weren’t already one more waxing, or long v-neck shirt away from turning into full blown giant disposable tampons.

25. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)

>You did something bad
>I seem cool with it

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I didn’t know this was meant to be satire!

26. We are self-conscious by nature; we can’t help it. Let it be.

Humans in general are self-conscious, men just bitch about it less.

27. We don’t shave our legs every day so just get over it.

I personally don’t care about it, but I guess some men will be dicks about it, so you have a point…

28. Shave your face, no matter how cool you think your goatee or beard or moustache looks, we probably hate it. We like you clean shaven.

DO-HO-HO, CAN ANYONE SAY ‘DOUBLE STANDARD’???

29. Show off a little, we think it’s cute.

We’re men, we already show off. If your man doesn’t show off, then I have bad news. You are dating a vagina.

30. You are our boyfriend, our man, our protector, whether you know it or not, you are; act like it.

TERMS AND CONDITIONS PLEASE, I DIDN’T SIGN SHIT.